"Do you know how to concentrate?" she asked me. I kept quiet. "I think you love to believe that you are concentrating!" "Is it my pride?" I asked her. "I don't know what it is. But I can tell you something!" she said, "One. You can do it. Much easily unlike others. Two. You don't do it." "Why do you think I dont? Or do you think I can?" I asked. "That is your problem!" she said, "While you do it you never think you can't. You are always overconfident. The consequence of which is you spoil it completely. You think you are concentrating. And you want others who watch you to believe just that. You take it casually. Later once you become sure you have fucked it up you come and ask for sympathy! I won't say it is because of your pride. Because that would be foolish. Pride happens after your first success and affects your second performance. You get affected each time. I am not also sure whether it is your overconfidence! That happens to those who overestimate their calibre. But you underperform! I think I know what could it be. You are casual! Just!" I didn't know what to say. After a long pause I managed to mumble "I am always alert! At least I think so." "Then you do it deliberately!" she said, "Don't frustrate me! I have said what I had to say. You know it well! You know what goes on inside you. I am poor at mathematics. So I fail to find any other reason behind it."
Our discussion ended like that. She left angrily. I could make out why she was angry. Because she couldn't convince me something that she wanted me to learn, know and remember and she couldn't be sure that I wouldn't end up doing the same thing in my next chance. She loved to see me perform. She believed in my ability.
At the back of my mind I knew what was wrong. I knew it precisely because I know myself. She was close when she said I did it deliberately. But it was not exactly that! I couldn't explain it to her. Because it can't be explained. First because no one would believe it. Secondly because it's outside the arena of logic. It can't be argued upon. The reason was I get divided into two different individuals each time during the performance. One of them tries to perform. Another one tries not to. Often the second one wins. This tug-of-war ends up dissipating much energy which also makes me weak!
I often wanted to tell her that I didn't love doing it. That was the reason. But I couldn't. She would be hurt if she knew that! She wanted me to deliver because she believed I had talent! However, owing to some very odd kind of a combination with which I had come, I always ended up having talent in something that I never loved to do.
Our discussion ended like that. She left angrily. I could make out why she was angry. Because she couldn't convince me something that she wanted me to learn, know and remember and she couldn't be sure that I wouldn't end up doing the same thing in my next chance. She loved to see me perform. She believed in my ability.
At the back of my mind I knew what was wrong. I knew it precisely because I know myself. She was close when she said I did it deliberately. But it was not exactly that! I couldn't explain it to her. Because it can't be explained. First because no one would believe it. Secondly because it's outside the arena of logic. It can't be argued upon. The reason was I get divided into two different individuals each time during the performance. One of them tries to perform. Another one tries not to. Often the second one wins. This tug-of-war ends up dissipating much energy which also makes me weak!
I often wanted to tell her that I didn't love doing it. That was the reason. But I couldn't. She would be hurt if she knew that! She wanted me to deliver because she believed I had talent! However, owing to some very odd kind of a combination with which I had come, I always ended up having talent in something that I never loved to do.
