To Be

I often despise myself. Because I fool myself and welcome pain in the process. As if to get pain is what I desire! Don't know whether this stupid thing has any name but masochism comes closer. It's heroic to survive great pains, it's okay at times even to masochise, but it's utterly weird to spice up a story in your mind that invites pain!

My life had been immensely empty: means I had nothing to get involved into, nothing to concentrate on. I had been superbly lazy all through. Had always shaken off responsibilities and tasks that take time; no matter how important they are they were never important to me.

Now, in this place in Bangalore, it appears I am slowly getting involved in something. But since the process is slow and developing I often tend to drift back in the world of lazyness, halucinations and masochism in which I lived before. They say that an idle brain is a devil's workshop. I now understand what it means: my mind had been idle for 25 years now and that makes me a matured devil already!  :P I know if someone can help me get out of this and make me who I actually am then it's myself only. It's like getting out of the maze that had you for 25 years -- it's difficult but I must do it: because it's stupid to be in a world that doesn't exist! The last thing I want to do is to cover myself up in the dirty carpet of hallucinations and false pain which somehow makes me believe that the world is bad and it did something bad to me whereas the truth simply is that I had been lazy to be the person who I actually am!