And then, suddenly, in the middle of my journey we met again.
I met Maaya. It has been seven years! It took me seven years to realize that I
was actually searching for her again. Seven years to realize that she has been
with me all this while and that I have always failed to accept that fact.
“You still carry that note?” she asked.
“I do”, I said. The note actually underwent so much wear and
tear that I never knew when exactly it had gone inside my head and stayed.
“You look calmer now. Lot more peaceful”, she smiled, “So
are you at peace with yourself? Could you interpret that word in the note?”
We were walking down a street. It was spring time and the
trees had started growing new leaves. The road was tanned by the night, only
now starting to gather slight shades of orange. Six o clock in the morning, the
sunlight was in the process of gradually tilting from horizontal to oblique. I
could see no one walking down that path. Except us.
“I couldn’t create love, Maaya!” I said, “I tried but I couldn’t”.
“Love was never for you to create!” she said, “I am surprised
that you even tried!”
“I never wanted to try it”, I said, “But letting go was
never easy.”
“You wanted it and didn’t want it at the same time!” she turned
her head and looked at me, “What you wanted didn’t exist!”
“I wanted it my way”, I said.
“You know that’s selfish”, she said. “And like all other
selfish ambitions it's only like a mirage, burning in your heart, that you keep
chasing all your life”.
“I agree. I don’t want it anymore”, I said.
Her hand was sensing mine all this time. Now her fingers slipped
into the gaps of my fingers. A soft feeling, the feeling of being one, slowly started
to seep in.
“And what changed in these seven years?” she asked.
“I knew why I wanted it”, I said.
She was silent.
“We all require an identity, Maaya”, I said, “A personal
identity. How we see ourselves. If we will stay happy for the rest of our lives
being who we are today.”
“So are you at peace
with yourself?” she asked me.
I didn’t speak.
“Are you happy?” she asked after a pause.
“Yes”, I said.
“How can you be happy if you are not in love?” she said.
I stopped walking and so did she. “I think I am in love,
Maaya” I said.
We looked at each other. I saw a twinkle in her eye. She
pressed my hand. And smiled. “I know”, she said, “I could sense”.
“But I am not in love with another person!” I said. This was true. Infact this has always been such a disturbing thought that I always struggled to come to
terms with it. My voice shook a bit, perhaps from the immense courage I needed
to muster to confess the feeling.
“Look!” Maaya pointed towards the orange of the sky which
was now slowly fading into the blue. I saw a group of birds, streamlined into a
pattern, flying towards the sun. “They are migrating”, Maaya said, “Aren’t they
beautiful?”
The day broke after sometime. The sun made everything around
it warmer. We came across some open fields. I saw a small hillock at a
distance. It was green everywhere. We sat down on the grass which was soft as
velvet. My hands felt dew.
Maaya was wearing a frock today. It was white with some petal-designs
on it. “You look beautiful!” I said.
“How do you know you are in love?” she looked at me.
“I can’t stay away from it”, I said. “No matter what I do I
always find myself going back to it. Whenever I wish, wherever I wish. Love is
all about how much time you are spending together, isn’t it?”
“Maybe you are addicted!” she said.
“Maybe I am”, I said, “But isn’t it all about addiction then?”
“Yes”, she said, turning her eyes away from me, “Life is too
short for frivolity!”
The dew on the grass had started evaporating. I could hear
birds chirp now. There was this moistened air of the morning surrounding us.
“I love solving puzzles, Maaya!” I said. “Puzzles on how
things work. Discoveries in the laboratory. That’s what I do for a living now.”
She smiled. Just. “I never asked you to create love!” she
said, “You have already created for yourself whatever I wished you would create.
You see that hillock”, she pointed towards the distant green, “You may just
find your violet rose there if you go now!” She laughed.
“Shall I get it then?” I said.
“Do what you want to do!” she said with a smirk, looking slightly
miffed, and those were her last words
before she disappeared again, “One day you will realize the things that you don’t
do are the things that you have actually never wanted to.”
